Almost Menopausal… Until Aunt Flow Had Other Plans

I was so freaking close

to hitting the seven month mark with no

period. Seven months. I mean,

okay, I still had five more months to go before I

hit menopause, but I was so excited.

But of course I should have known that it

wasn't going to be that simple because basically bam.

All of a sudden Aunt Flo busted through the door

like, hey bitch, miss me? I'm back.

What's interesting though is I think I was month

three, maybe month four into no period

and I went through this weird ass grieving

process and I did not expect that. I mean, who the

hell mourns not bleeding every month, right?

But I, you know, after 30 plus years

of that cycle being a part of me, a part of my

womanhood, and suddenly it just goes away.

I really felt like I was losing

part of my womanhood. Now I knew logically

in my head that just because my period goes

away that I'm not losing my womanhood, but emotionally

I was. So it just messed with

my head so bad and

I didn't, like, I didn't fully comprehend

and understand how do you suddenly

not have something that's been a part of your

body, your identity, your entire life?

I mean, I started my period, I believe I was 12,

maybe 13, and I'm 50, so you know,

this has been a part of my life

for so long and

I mean, I don't know, it was just this really weird,

like I said, I felt like it was a grieving process. Now

I am not gonna lie and say that it was not nice

as hell to not have to deal with that every month. But

damn, it still messed with my head. So

it feels like I had just come to terms

with the fact that I wasn't having a

period anymore. And then here we are,

the seven month mark. And why I

thought seven months was like this big

milestone or something, I don't know. But anyways, like, like

I said, she decided to show back up

like a bad ex who doesn't understand

the word closure.

Oh. So now I am literally back to square one.

Month one. And actually I'm not even at month one

yet because I'm still in this frickin

cycle of the period that decided to grace

me with her presence again. So as

soon as this one's over, I will be back at

square one of this 12 month waiting

game. Like menopause or I can't even

say menopause yet because I won't be menopausal until I hit that freaking

12 month no period mark. But yeah,

it's just this,

you know, I've said it before and I will continue to say it.

Midlife is a weird phase of life. There are

days that I don't freaking know whether to laugh

or to cry. Hell, there are days that I laugh, cry and rage within

like five freaking minutes. I,

I don't know that even if my mom, my

grandma's, I don't know if they had even sat me down and

talked to me about midlife, I, I still don't know that

I would come into it prepared for all of

the hormonal shit that is going on

because this just is.

Sure, I can read books about perimenopause and

menopause and midlife and being a middle aged woman and

all the changes that go on in our bodies, but. Like

being in the thick of it. So see, here I am crying.

I. There are days that I just literally

do not know who I am. It is like I am

living in a stranger's freaking body

and it sucks sometimes. And I don't

mean to be sounding all doom and gloom because I

am so thankful that I am, you know, going through all this

shit because it means that I'm still alive and I'm still experiencing,

experiencing life. But it is just a lot.

And some days I really just don't

know how to get through it. I try to use humor

a lot because humor doesn't change things,

but it just makes me, you know, at least in the

moment when I'm using humor, it makes me giggle and laugh and,

you know, feel better about stuff. But it doesn't change

how I'm feeling or all this shit that's going on in my body.

I just sometimes feel so

alone that there is just nobody around

me in my space that

understands what I'm going through. And that's one of the

reasons that I made the decision to just start talking about

all this stuff. Because if there is another

middle aged woman out there that is fucking feeling the things

that I'm feeling, feeling like your body is

literally a stranger's body and you don't know from

one minute to the next how you're gonna feel, if you're gonna laugh,

if you're gonna cry, if you're gonna rage, you know,

and that's just like the emotional and mental stuff.

I haven't even started talking about all of the, you know,

the freaking, my hair is falling out, the lack of sleep, the hot

flashes. My body is changing, my boobs are sag

ever and they've always kind of sagged because I have big boobs.

But midlife makes them even saggier.

There is just so much

that we women go through and at this

phase of life and oh man, I said. It

before and I don't remember if I talked about it on the podcast. That's the

other thing. Brain fog, remembering shit that I've talked about. But

I joked about creating a midlife. Sticker

chart and I actually, it's sitting here next to me, to the right of

me. And I looked at it and I just kind of started giggling because

I said I wasn't gonna use it. But damn it, I think

I am. Going to use it and I'm just gonna start freaking putting stickers on

there. Every day for crap that I go. Through

every single day as a middle aged woman.

I just don't. Sometimes I just don't know how

to handle the things that I'm feeling.

And I know that I have sidetracked completely from what

I started talking about on this podcast episode. So,

yeah, I ramble, I get sidetracked, I cry,

I laugh, I cuss. Like I am just

a hot freaking mess of emotions

and they just continue. To amaze me every

day. It's almost like I wake up every day and

I just, I have to. Start playing this game of, okay,

what is, you know, hormone hormones going to

do to me today? Who am I going to be today?

Am I going to feel like Tish or am I going to feel

yet again like my body is being,

you know, taken over by a stranger? Yeah.

So that's where I'm at this week.

Oh my goodness. Midlife. Midlife. Midlife.

Whoo. Yeah, it is definitely full of

shenanigans, isn't it? Anyways, thank you for sticking

with me through today's random weird ass

episode. Head over to tishlee.com

forward slash pod LOL.

That's tishly.com forward sl p

l o l. I have a free

five midlife LOLs. They're

just something to hopefully put a smile on your face and,

you know, make you in the moment, smile and have,

you know, a little laugh.