Fast & the Furriest — I’m a Midlife Speed Demon Now

You ever have one of those mornings where you wake up,

your feet hit the ground and you're thinking, yeah,

today's going to be a great day. I'm going to adult.

I am going to, you know, just have my shit together. It's just

going to be a great day. Yeah, about that.

By 9am now, don't quote me on the time exactly.

I guess I could probably look and find out. But anyways, by

9am I'm sitting on the side of the road with flashing lights

in my rear view mirror, nervously giggling while a cop

handed me a speeding ticket. Yep,

apparently I'm a midlife speed demon now. Welcome to

midlife shenanigans. Snacks required,

sanity optional, snorts encouraged. I'm

Tish. And today's episode is brought to you by

my lovely perimenopause brain fog.

Questionable decision making. Although literally, I

really was not doing anything questionable. And

my dog, and I'm going to say that my dog has a serious

need for speed. So this is his fault. Okay, so

let me lay it out for you. This is how it went down.

I'm driving along and I see a cop on the side of the road

now, now where I live. And I actually think this is wherever you live.

If there is, you know, another lane, you're supposed to move over

into that, like that left lane to,

so you're not right next to the cop that is pulled off on the

side of the road. But there's a car coming up, so I can't

pull into that left lane. So I start to slow down

and the cop is on a motorcycle. So he

had had somebody else pulled over. I'm guessing

that's why he was like sitting on the side of the road. I don't, I

guess honestly I don't know what he was doing on the side of the road.

So anyways, because I couldn't get into that left lane, you know,

he's standing there and he's looking down at something like

on his bike. And he looks up and I'm at this point, I'm

moving slow enough because I couldn't get into that left lane. So I slowed way

down and he points at me, he

turns his freaking flashing lights on and I'm like,

what the fuck? What? Like what am I doing?

And I thought maybe I was going to get into trouble because I didn't get

pulled over into that left lane. And you know,

I was basically right next to him as he's on the side of

the road. But anyways, I'm coming up

onto like the right turn spot where I needed to be.

So I pulled off just shy of where that, that

right turn road is. And here he comes flying up on his bike

with those bright ass lights flashing in my rearview

mirrors. My dog's in the back seat, he's barking, tail wagging,

and I'm just like, oh, my God. I, at this point, I seriously

am questioning, like, what did I do? And

the thought that I had been speeding didn't even cross my mind because

I am so anal about driving

the speed limit or just barely above the speed

limit. Like, I seriously obsessively check my

speedometer or I have the cruise control

set. So speeding did not cross my mind.

Anyways, he walks up to the car and he says,

do you know how fast you were going? And it dawns on

me that I had been in like, my own

little world for quite a while, that

I had no idea how fast I

really had been going. And I said,

no, I'm sorry, officer, I haven't looked at my speedometer.

Oh, God, what a dumbass thing to say to a cop, right?

And he just kind of looks at me and he's like, may I have your

driver's license, ma', am, and your registration? And I'm like, yes, of

course. And meanwhile, you know, my dog is like, kind

of like sniffing and not really growling, but doing

kind of a little like under his breath type

bark. And I'm just thinking, oh, it's Gary. Yes, my dog's name is Gary. Gary,

now is not the time to be freaking out because, you know, this poor

officer is just doing his job. So anyways, he goes back to his

motorcycle. He's gone for a few minutes. I'm sitting there and I'm just

like, I'm chewing on my nails. My stomach is getting like those

bubble guts. And I'm just nervous. I'm nerved up.

And he finally comes back to the car and he's like.

So anyways, and I think he told me when he had

asked me how fast I was going and I told him, I think he had

told me at that point that he had clocked me at 15 miles

over the speed limit. Again, I was

so in my own little world that I

did not. I don't remember

the last time I had even looked at my speedometer, which again,

that is so freaking unnormal for me. So

I'm just saying that it was literally because I was just

having one of those perimenopause brain fog moments.

That's my story. And I'm Sticking to it. So anyways, he says,

well, I wrote it for you doing six miles over.

Or maybe he said five miles over, but if you look at the actual ticket,

it says six miles over. So basically he's

telling me that he, quote unquote has done me a favor

by dropping it down to he clocked me at, you know,

five, six miles over instead of 15. So it was a

50 mile per hour zone and apparently he clocked me at

65. Again, I can't even, I can't even

question that because I honestly don't know.

I had not looked at my speedometer and again, like this is

just what does not make sense to me. I am literally

so obsessive about how fast I am

driving or having that cruise control set that I

don't know what, I don't know what the hell was going on that I

didn't, you know, I didn't know how fast I was going.

But. So anyways, he hands me this ticket and again

I am nervous and when I'm

nervous I do a couple of different things. I'm awkward

as hell. As one, I giggle because I'm

nervous and I get awkward. So, so he hands me the ticket and

I start to giggle and I'm like, thanks officer. And I

start giggling and he just kind of looks at me some more and

he chuckled a little bit and he's like, well I

can't say that that's the normal reaction I get

and I just giggle some more. So you know, he goes back to

his motorcycle and I put my license and

registration away and

continue on. I was going to get a bagel anyways. I

get to the bagel place and I have to sit in my car and I

just have to like breathe for a few minutes because I didn't know

whether to cry, I didn't know whether to laugh. And honestly,

the fact that I didn't cry, I'm so impressed with myself

because I have always been a very emotional

person and cry so easily. But I don't know what the hell

midlife has done to me. I literally, I mean,

you could tell me like, hello Tisha.

And I could just break out in tears. I mean, obviously I'm being,

you know, overly dramatic, but I seriously cry

super easily now. And I'm again, I'm blaming

it on frickin midlife because what else? Midlife is

just weird. So anyways, you

want to know how much this ticket is costing me?

$119.

Damn, damn, damn, damn.

So let's talk about the real Culprit here, my dog, Gary.

Gary Laser Eyes, to be exact. And a little side fun fact

here, he is known as Gary Laser Eyes because when we adopted him

from the Humane Society, they were calling him Gary Laser Eyes because

he has crossed eyes and an underbite. He is the queen

quirkiest freaking dog ever. He just fit so,

so well with us. But anyways, I'm just saying that this

little furball, and he's not little, he's £80, by the way. He's got

a serious need for speed. So here he is in the back seat, tongue out,

ears flapping, live in his fast and the furriest

fantasy while I'm earning a serve a souvenir of

$119. Honestly, I think

my dog was whispering, you got this, mom. Punch it just

a little bit faster. Yeah, I amused myself.

But thankfully, there is

a silver lining. Although I don't know that it's really a silver lining in

the fact that I got a ticket. But my man surprised me

with a spontaneous beach trip. If

there is one thing that you will quickly learn about me,

if you don't already know this about me, is that I am

obsessed with water. The ocean specifically.

That's not even true. I just love water. I love lakes, I love rivers, I

love creeks. But just like the beach is

my happy place. And the fact that

he sprung this on me after telling him about my ticket

just kind of made the day that much better.

So anyways, yeah, I get to,

oh, pay a lovely 119 ticket.

And reminding me to, I don't know, just

be present, slow down. I don't know what the hell

the, you know, the lesson and all of that was, but

there's. There's got to be a lesson. I like to think that there's always a

lesson in. In things like this. Oh,

yes. So anyways, that's it for today's Midlife

Shenanigans. If you've ever gotten a ticket,

I want to know. Did you thank the

officer for giving you the ticket and

giggle nervously or is that just my weird. My

weird quirkiness? Thank you for listening to this

episode of Midlife Shenanigans. Snacks required.

Insanity optional, Snorts encouraged. This

wasn't the episode that I had planned to release today, but

this was too good to not release. And I love.

If I can make somebody laugh by sharing some of the.

That I go through, hey, it's all worth it.

So, yeah, I'm gonna leave you with that. And I am gonna

see what other shenanigans I can get into today. I

will chat with you in the next episode.