Role Reversal With an Aging Parent

I was on the beach in Gulf Shores, Alabama, watching my mom

shuffle slowly through the sand. I reached

out to grab her hand to help steady her,

and I completely fell apart on the inside.

Not on the outside, because I was holding it together

for her, but on the inside, I was

a complete wreck. And it hit

me. Holy shit. Is this

what she felt like when I was little? Is

this how she felt when I was

a teenager, a young woman, even as

an adult? And this is the role

reversal I didn't see coming. And it's not

something that anybody warned me about. That comes

with being a midlife woman. Hey, hey, hey, welcome back

to another episode of Midlife Shenanigans with Tish. And

I'm your host, well, Tish. So it's been

several weeks since I have released a podcast episode, but I had

a really damn good excuse. I just got back

from 3 glorious, marvelous, wonderful,

amazing, magical weeks in the

sunshine and at the beach. I was in Gulf

Shores, Alabama. Anyway, Anyways, that is enough rambling.

Let's jump into today's episode. So as you already heard me

mention, I was in Gulf Shores, Alabama for 3 weeks.

This trip was so important to me because

from northern Michigan all the way out here to Vancouver,

Washington. And that means that there

is now over 2,000 miles

between my mom, my stepdad, my adult son, and the

rest of my family and my friends.

So the fact that I was able to go to Gulf Shores

to spend 3 weeks with my mom and my stepdad,

this was just a really important trip. And I have been very

blessed that for the last 3 years—

this was the third year— I've been able to go spend this

time with them in Gulf Shores. So

The, you know, the, the thing that I want to talk about today

is I've noticed

each year when I see my mom, I've

noticed the signs of aging. And I know

that seems so fucking silly to say

because hello, we are aging, which means

our parents are aging, but I don't know

if it's because I'm so far away from my mom and I don't see

her often that on these trips when

I do see her, I just notice these

signs of aging more versus if I still lived

in Michigan and saw my mom all the time.

Um, so this trip was just super important to me to be able

to just go and relax and to wake up every single day

and to know that I had the whole day to be with my

mom and just enjoy her presence. And of course my

stepdad too. Um, and

one of the things that I loved about this trip too is

that I am a huge beach fanatic. It

is like my happy place. Um, I come

alive when I'm at the beach. So this was just like the

icing on the cake that they choose to go somewhere that is

literally my happy place. And I loved

that I was able to to spend time walking

the beach, um, pretty much every day.

And I, I always had— well, not always,

but I tried to make sure that I had a journal and a pen with

me when I was walking the beach because

I noticed something interesting on this trip. And

I'm not going to get into all that because that kind of takes away from

what I want to talk about today, but I had this

major creativity like

energy boost something, I don't know, but

I, I ended up writing so much

when I had beach time. And one of the things that

I want to share today is something that I wrote during

one of those beach times. And I wouldn't

call this like a poem because I don't think it's really a

poem, um, I don't really know what to call it,

so I guess it doesn't really need to be called anything. I

guess it doesn't need to have words put to it, um, but

I titled this "The Role Reversal I

Didn't See Coming." Each time I

see her, I'm reminded of another year past.

More aging signs show. The

slower movements, The more predominant wrinkles,

the skin beginning to look less elastic and

transparent. I sit here thinking about our

day, the laughter, the tears, her

using me to help her walk to and from the beach. Now

granted, the sand is hard to walk in. How I

remind her to be careful several times a day, in and out of

the shower, walking to and from the dock, up and down the stairs, and

asking her if she was okay over and

over and over all throughout the day.

The tears begin to fall. Is this

how it was for her when I was a kid?

Helping me, reminding me to be careful,

scared of everything every time

I wasn't in her sight. Because

this, this is how it is for me

in this moment. A middle-aged woman

watching her beautiful mama age more.

I try not to go there, the thoughts of what I know is

going to come one day, but it's hard to not let my

thoughts wander there. But it's time to put

those thoughts aside and be present. Because I live

2,000+ miles away and don't see her often,

and I don't want these moments here at the beach,

So today I choose to sit beside

her and just be here.

So those were the words that poured out of my heart onto the

paper that day, And I wonder if

maybe you as a middle-aged woman can

sort of, you know, resonate and relate to what I was

feeling in that moment, because this is

definitely one of those midlife things that

nobody warned me about. This whole role

reversal of me suddenly being, you know,

like the, like the parent to my mom.

So, you know, again, I get

in my head that this is normal. I get

that as I age, my mom is going to age.

Like, it's common sense that this is how this

happens. But to like be

in that moment and to experience that,

it was such an emotional moment for me

And that, like, to just be such an emotional wreck

on the inside and to try to

hold it together on the outside, because I didn't want my

mom to see me being all emotional and trying

to explain to her why and what I

was emotional about. Um, so I

definitely, you know, kept it together on the

outside for her benefit, and then I

when I was alone, I cried a lot

on this trip. And actually, I cried

every time I walked on the beach. Now, this is a

whole different story, but last year when I

was in Gulf Shores, I was not able to walk

the beach. And that devastated me

because, again, the beach is my happy place. Like, this is my

thing. And I was so, like,

unhealthy, and there was so much inflammation and

pain in my body. I couldn't walk the beach last

year. So this trip this year was so significant

in so many different ways. Um, and I

know I got a little off track there because I wasn't specifically

talking about, um, you know, me being able

to walk the beach. This was about just this whole role

reversal that I did not see coming, and nobody

fucking warned me about this.

Um, I just— I'm having a really hard time

wrapping my head around the fact that my

mom's gonna be 71 soon. And I,

like, on one hand, I am so fucking blessed and

so thankful that she is still here today. And

I, like, on that one hand, I'm

blessed, and then on the other hand, it's like, to experience

seeing the signs of aging that seemed

so predominant this year compared to—

I had just seen her back in August, and even from

August to February, it seems like she aged even

more. Um, and like, what I'm really

struggling with is when I made this move back in the end

I was younger, my mom was younger, my mom was still working at

time. She hadn't retired yet. So when I made

the move several years ago, I wasn't thinking about

my mom aging. And I know that,

like, that probably sounds weird too, because hello, again,

common sense says our parents are going to age

as we continue to age. But at that time, I

wasn't— that just was not on my radar. So

now that it is on my radar and I notice these things

each year when I see her,

um, I'm really struggling with the fact that I am over

2,000 miles away. Like, there is this—

I don't even know the word that I'm trying to say— like, knowing

that I'm so far away that if something does happen,

I'm not just a car ride away. I'm not even just

a plane trip away. I mean, Yes, I

can hop on a plane and get there, but I can't get there the same

day. And that is something that I am

just internally struggling with

so hard right now. And I try to not think

about that because it just

lets me get sucked up into this, you know, did I make the

right decision moving out here, and I never should have

moved, and all these different things I allow

to, you know, enter into my head when I start thinking about

that. Um, and I just,

I can't think about that until there is going to come

a time that I have to think about the fact that I'm so far away.

Um, yeah, so I just wanted to share this with you because

I needed to talk about it. Um, because again, I just feel

like this isn't something that I hear a lot of other middle-aged

women talking about, and I think it's so fucking

important that we about our feelings

and what we're going through as we are

dealing with not only aging ourselves, because

oh good God, that's just a whole

fucking shit show in itself sometimes, um, but it's just

so important to talk about, you know, the importance

of this role reversal now where we are

becoming the carer for our parents.

And it's— I don't— I just, I feel like

this role reversal literally smacked me upside the head,

and I really did not see it coming. And

I don't know how I didn't see it

coming. Um, so anyways, I just wanted to leave you with, you

know, if you are feeling something

similar to what I shared about, you

know, noticing the aging signs on your

parents and just noticing that, you know, your

roles are becoming reversed. I see

you. I feel you. I hear you. I wish I could hug

you. And I'm just sending you so many virtual

hugs because I think we could use hugs. And maybe

that sounds weird to you, but I really could use a hug right

now. If you liked this episode, I would so love it if you shared

it with another middle-aged woman. Write a

review, anything that you can do to help me get the word out about

the podcast. As a new podcaster— and I'm not even

super new to podcasting— but as a fairly new podcast,

it really helps if you can help me spread the

word. I'm always looking for guests because it gets

really tiring sitting here talking to

myself. So if you to be a guest or you know anybody that would be

a great fit, head them on— send them on

over to tishlee.com and

they will find a link to be a guest on the show.

Have a great day, my midlife sister.